A test of the Charles Village mozz stick

By HANNAH COWLEY

To my fellow food enthusiasts —

Ah, the mozzarella stick. In a world that is always changing, the humble mozzarella stick is our ode to “treat yo’ self;” our beacon of light in the middle of midterms; the one thing you can trust to always leave you satisfied. Young or old, sober or otherwise, summer or winter — the mozzarella stick does not discriminate to whom and at which times it chooses to be delicious.

I, like the rest of the normal population, am a mozz stick lover. On Sept. 2, I was thinking about this world I love so very much and a startling thought washed over my mind: In a world full of mozzarella stick choices and a society telling us to never settle, how is it exactly that anyone, all by their lonesome, is to find the proper mozzarella stick for them? An idea was born.

The panel includes myself (holla), Su Ataman (whom I must admit is due the original credit for the idea of such an undertaking) and Gillian Lelchuk (the editor of the very page you’re reading and someone crazy enough to live with me). In our quest to find you, dear reader, the very best mozzarella stick available, we sampled five classy establishments: 7-Eleven, Maxie’s, Tamber’s, UniMini and the freezer section of Eddie’s. We sacrificed time, money, our reputations and our digestive system to inform you, so inform you we shall.

7-Eleven: Open 24/7, if you live at the far reaches of existence (Homewood, I’m looking at you), then this is a wonderful option for all your 4 a.m. needs. At just $1.49 for four sticks, a value of about two cents per cubic centimeter, this is truly the cheapest option you’ll find in the Hopkins bubble. The good: It’s cheap, fast and open literally all the time. The bad: We found the breading to be thin with an awkward seasoning, limited cheese in the center, a poor presentation and a sauce that was sub-par. In a pinch, this mozzarella stick will surely do. The rating: 5/10.

Maxie’s: When your friends want pizza but you just want mozz, this is a good bet for you. Although it’s not open all the time, with the extended hours on weekends, you’re probably solid here. You’ll get four sticks for $4.19 — a whopping five cents per cubic centimeter. They say you get what you pay for, but we didn’t quite agree with that here. We loved that there was no shortage of cheese, a great sauce and nice presentation. However, the cheese was not as melty as we would have liked. If you want other things as well or simply a mozz stick better than 7-Eleven’s quality and are willing to pay a much higher price, Maxie’s is your place. The rating: 6/10.

COURTESY OF SU ATAMAN Tamber’s mozz sticks are the true champions.

COURTESY OF SU ATAMAN
Tamber’s mozz sticks are the true champions.

Tamber’s: The takeout window, as we found out, is not through the main restaurant doors that face St. Paul Street but is instead facing 34th Street. We got the friendliest service (seriously, we had a conversation with the cashier, and she gave us free sodas) and fast results. Costing five bucks for five sticks, these are four cents per cubic centimeter. We loved the friendly service, tons of cheesy goodness, stringiness of the cheese and marinara sauce that was the bomb dot com. We searched for cons. They didn’t exist. The rating: 10/10.

UniMini: A campus favorite, this establishment is open 24/7. You’ll get six sticks

COURTESY OF SU ATAMAN Though not the best, UniMini’s mozz sticks will always satisfy as 4 a.m. drunchies.

COURTESY OF SU ATAMAN
Though not the best, UniMini’s mozz sticks will always satisfy as 4 a.m. drunchies.

for $5.29. In my opinion, six is just too many to eat (maybe I’m wrong), but with a value of four cents a cubic centimeter these guys are a fab deal. We liked how wonderful they looked with great cheese and a sufficiently crispy texture, but couldn’t shake the cold marinara sauce and the fact that these just tasted like a night of poor decisions. Beware the pack of partiers on the weekend. Trying to get food at UniMini on a Friday night is reminiscent of The Hunger Games. The rating: 7/10.

Frozen from Eddie’s: Just don’t do it. Pay for someone to make them. Nope. They are that bad. Not even worth a review.

There you have it, folks. Your mozzarella stick champion is Tamber’s. Although not open until the wee hours of the morning, the quality and service greatly outweigh anything that could ever be wrong with Tamber’s (ever). For your late night needs, however, we recommend good ol’ UniMini. A campus classic, you can never go wrong with this choice at four in the morning.

Until the next time I’m bored enough to run around and eat copious amounts of fried food…

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